CoviD has definitely done a number on us, I’m not just speaking about the global issues we’re facing as a result, but the deep, hidden and yet very real side effects that have crept up on so many of us in the past year. Now, I’m in no way saying that lock-downs aren’t necessary, I’ve had Covid, I know it’s real and I’d do anything to avoid catching it again and to keep others safe. But let’s get real here, we need to speak about the other real issues coming from this. Mental health, and I’m not just speaking about our own.
We’ve all taken a knock. Be it in our personal lives, businesses, professional lives, social lives, it’s all been turned upside down. Some more than others. Any of us who are without an income are also thrown into nightly worries of ‘what’s next, when will it end’. And as for us parents with our kids at home, what started off as a strange yet fun experiment last march, has turned into a dangerous mind fuck for many of our kids. Only they can’t verbalise it the way that we can. They can’t see that these big feelings they’re feeling are related to the monotony of life within four walls and not going to school. Their entire world has been quite literally been removed from them. Their friends, their formal education, their freedom to play and visit family and friends, they’re adventure days out (we know our 5k radius like the back of our hands at this stage).
So often, when we’re up in each other’s hula hoops 24/7, we’re going to get irritated, it’s human nature (or at least in my nature). I’m not saying that it shouldn’t happen. But we really need to take a step back and have a look at where these outbursts are coming from. (I’m not just speaking of our own meltdowns). If we can (bare with me here cause I know it’s easier said than done) we need to look at our words before we say them, especially in response to our children’s melt downs right now and we also need to keep and ear out for the words, phrases and tones our kids are using. Are they in pain, deeper pain that the actual trigger issue would show. Now more than ever we need to make sure our kids know their worth and feel happy within themselves.
Homeschooling is important, but NOT to the detriment of our kids mental health. We took a week off for this reason, and have planned for the next week to focus on one piece of homework a day, rather than take hours to complete 5 or 6 pieces, we’ll also make sure to get outside and get fresh air, as I know that’s more important right now, for us anyway. In these uncertain times, we have to instil confidence, resilience and self belief so that they know they can learn whatever they put their mind do and have the strength to thrive in hard times. We need to nurture their mindset now more than ever, as we are the only influences in their lives.
My eldest son has always felt like he can take on the world, this growth mindset is so invaluable even for adults, but during lockdown we’ve been met with lower moods and uncertainty and that bright sparky kid is slowly being pushed back by that negative fixed mindset, where he feels like where he’s at now is all he’ll ever be, that he’s not good enough, that life is never going to be back and that there’s nothing to look forward to. But catching this early is so important, as our brains can so easily create new thought patterns (neuroplasticity). So keep that in mind, it’s never too late, because we can always learn and re-learn.
Perfectionism is a massively dangerous fixed mindset pattern that really doesn’t serve you at any age. I’ve embraced a growth mindset in recent years as it’s left me open to learning and embracing new experiences and unplanned pathways. Getting knocked over isn’t a deterrent as it means something new is just around the corner. It’s basically like a long pathway to success, which will come when it comes in whatever way it comes, by whichever way works for you. There really is no such thing at failing so long as you don’t quit, it may just take longer to get there, but being resilient and adaptable means there are nearly always other ways to get to your goal. This is what we need to teach our kids. It’s not about getting top grades in their tests, it’s not about fitting into one government model that has been set up for every child, because every child and every human is so beautifully unique. School serves a huge purpose in teaching facts, but not in asking the big questions and in fact not in questioning anything much at all. Which is why this time is so perfect for us as parents to really instill these important life skills into our children.
We want them to look challenge in the eyes and know they can take it on with a good plan in place. Instead of avoiding all risk and keeping them wrapped in cotton wool, we should encourage them (once they’re safe) to take risks and see that sometimes it pays off, as their parents we need to measure this in advance for them to some degree. Encourage them to see failure and mistakes as a chance to learn and evolve and grow. If our kids are brave enough to push themselves to try new things, even if it’s just some weird food at home, praise them for trying it. Encourage them by avoiding criticism and remain open to talking positively after a heated situation. Which I know, as a parent is sometimes so difficult, especially when they have their little brother in a choke-hold in the middle of a supermarket, but you know what I mean. We work with what suits us as a family and always aim for progress not perfection.
I know I don’t need remind anyone that praising kids is crucial, but not just the general ‘oh that’s great, wonderful…..you’re a great artist’ while looking at your phone, because they don’t get validated there and also because it puts pressure on them for the next time, instead, try to focus on their effort as makes them feel so much more valued and seen ‘you worked so carefully on this, I love the colours you used, it’s such a happy picture’.
When they have a big melt down, it’s so easy to quickly jump into shouty, critical parent role. I’ve done it from time to time, it’s a big effort that I really have to catch myself to think first. But bringing them into the conversation is important, sometimes giving them time to de-escalate is necessary, because it simply won’t work if they are still high on big intense feelings.
Make plans and give them choices in their week. Especially if you’re in a lockdown situation, holding a family meeting to plan out chores for the week, that they are willing to do, put it on the wall and let them feel good when they complete them. If you plan to do activities, give them options so they feel like there are part of the decision making within the family. It really works and they actually get excited about it. ‘do you want to do dishes first of vacuum’ or ‘will we walk up the mountain or go ride our bikes’.
Something I’ve struggled with is negative self talk, i’m not sure if its a cultural thing here in ireland or some of us really just like to bash ourselves internally. But when it’s so deep rooted it takes crazy effort to get rid of, so I’m really focusing on trying to remove that from my kids minds. even working through positive affirmations with them or some alternative phrases that they should say. cause it always hurts to hear any child call themselves stupid. If they say this aloud, imagine what they don’t say!
I hope these few ideas helped, I’ll do more again soon and put together a printable list of affirmations for kids.
There are so many resources out there for mindset in children, or you can drop me an email. I’m not a professional teacher, but I am a single parent of two kids and a student social worker. So I’m constantly striving for improvement (not perfection)!
You can find me on: instagram.com/acupofteaisagoodstart
A cup of tea is a good start 
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